I’ve been noticing that most ‘constructive criticism’ is just plain old criticism.
Trying to pretty up judgement as something else doesn’t change what it is.
Often it seems to come from of a sense of superiority – thinking we know better – and we thoughtlessly, even arrogantly, inflict it on friends, colleagues, service providers and worst of all, on our children.
If we really feel we can offer help, we need to start from humility and respect. We need to acknowledge the merit, wisdom, efforts and quality of the person we hope to help.
Then, if we can do it with some sensitivity and kindness, maybe we can offer our helpful suggestion. Not a judgment. Not a criticism. Not a pedantic observation by someone who considers themself ‘more learned’.
From time in Australia and the ‘banter’ between my Brit friends I know a fair amount of rowdy, blunt joshing is considered normal, even desirable in their society. That’s just superficial noise and laddish competitiveness at whatever age. I’m not talking about that.
I’m talking about making a helpful suggestion. Whether the receiver acts on it is purely optional. If we think we can control anyone, or that they are obliged to let us, then we make an even greater mistake.
The outcome tells us how well we did it.
If the person we are trying to help feels better off after our suggestion, it was helpful.
If the person feels judged, criticised or in any way worse off, we got it wrong.
Often our content may be right, but our delivery may be totally wrong.
We need to remember that the message received is the message we sent. What we ‘meant’ doesn’t count.
I wrote this today because I’m a father, a friend and a colleague who makes this mistake and many like it all the time. I have to remind myself of this to help me do better.
I am posting this to help myself. I hope you find it helpful too.
Living Loving Learning 